On the lowcarb front:
I firmly believe that if I am going to blog, I need to be completely honest. I have been faltering badly this past week. Part of it - a small part of it - is related to blood sugar issues. But the plain truth is that I am a compulsive eater. I mentioned this in yesterday's blog. Ever since I can remember, I have had issues with food. Some people turn to drugs, others to alcohol, and others - like myself - turn to food. When I was a child, my mother was very sick. I comforted myself in the only way I knew how - with food. It was the only control I had in my life. My mother died when I was 12. Other COE's (compulsive over eaters) will recognized the coping mechanism. This has carried over into my adult life.
When I was in college I had a brief fling with bulimia - until Karen Carpenter died and that scared the heck out of me. I can remember very clearly the day my dad died. The thing that stands out for me is a scene in the kitchen. The family is all there. There is a box of donuts sitting on the table. My cousin says, "Mary Ann! What are you doing?" I had been stuffing donuts down with no conscious recognition of what I was doing.
It's not that Atkins (or any other program for that matter) doesn't work. It's something within me that isn't working properly.
In the last season of Biggest Loser there is a scene in which Jillian is questioning Ali about why she is overweight. Since Ali is working out, her critical mind is occupied so her replies are not censored by that. When Jillian asks her what purpose the weight serves, Ali blurts out "it protects me." And there it is. For many overweight people and COE's in particular, the excess weight and the food are protection. The thing I have to ask myself today is what is it protecting me from? And is that worse than what I am exposing myself to?
This is what I wrestle with. Atkins is my WOE of choice because of how I feel when I am on it. The problem is that I still deal with the emotional aspects of being a COE. Until November of 2000, I was able to keep my weight at a fairly decent level because I was a smoker. Smoking took the place of food. When I quit that year, the struggle became much harder because not only was I dealing with the loss of cigarettes (a whole other psychological issue) but I was entering my 50's which brings a whole new set of issues to the table.
I have come to realize that in order to buffer myself from the hurts of life, it is my skin that needs to be thicker, not my waistline. For a while I went to Overeaters Anonymous. We have a small group in our town. I was never able to mesh with the group so I found an online group and got a sponsor. What I didn't understand was that this lady was only sponsoring me through an online 12 week program. She really didn't want to be a food sponsor and when I finally figured that out, we broke contact.
The other problem I had with OA was the matter of the Higher Power. Since for me, that would be God, I found it hard to deal with some of the nicknames others had for their Higher Power. That was totally my own problem because for each person, the Higher Power is something different. My sponsor often referred to God as "she" which, for me, was a problem. My problem. Not OA's problem, not the sponor's problem. The program should not change to suit me, but I found myself unable to adjust to some of these things.
Currently I am investigating a Christian chapter of OA to see if that is a better fit for me. They have online meetings and if I can ever get my Java Chat to work, I will try those.
Now for the weekly weigh-in I am up 2.6 pounds. I had considered not posting that. No one wants to read about how someone is not succeeding. Success stories are much more inspiring to read. But, maybe - just maybe - I can turn this around.
Anyway, if you're still reading, I thank you for the support. COEs tend to feel isolated and lonely - even in the midst of family and friends; particularly if no one around them can understand why they do what they do.
Here is my menu for today. I will update as it changes.
Breakfast:
Cafe latte
Lowcarb cheesecake
supplements
Later . . .
God bless our troops!
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