Thursday, December 31, 2015

This last day of 2015 I find myself feeling very unsettled.  I am looking forward to the new year, but at the same time I am leaving a ministry that I have had for 38 years.  Others are calling it retirement, but that's not what it is.  I retired last summer.  I stayed on as weekend organist, but now I am leaving a situation where I no longer feel I belong.  There are times I cry, but then I think, "Do I really want to go back there?  Is the pain of staying worse than the pain of leaving?"  Sadly, I have to answer yes.  This is not how I would have liked to leave, but sometimes we just don't get to choose.  I can't believe that God has given me a gift only to leave me no place to use it.  So I am waiting and trusting in God that he has a new and better plan for me.  One where I don't have to leave church thinking, "does what I do make a difference?"  So, I need to get through tomorrow - say goodbye to some people who have loved, supported, and encouraged me, to forgive the ones who made things difficult, to forgive myself for not living up to all that I could be -  and play my last mass at the parish that has been my home most of my adult life.  Then I will move on and try to figure out who I am without the ministry.

****************************************
It is now evening and as always, doing something creative gets me out of my funk.  I did some work on the snowman quilt aided by Meghan and Maddie who had tons of questions about why I did things the way I do on my quilting machine.  I can't wait until their next break.  By then the room will be more organized and I can have them come down along with Claire and we can do some quilting together.

I have been trying to perfect my foaming liquid soap.  I am still having separation issues so I am going to have to do some experimenting with the emulsifier.  I am getting proficient at doing labels.  We have always made our own - or rather, Anna did.  The company I buy my blanks from offers access to their template service with the purchase of labels.  Makes it quite a bit easier.